Hi everyone,

This month I was involved in one of the most meaningful experiences of my time here at Duke: Me Too Monologues 2012.

I worked with 14 other cast members and a wonderful production crew to tell 19 beautiful, anonymously submitted true stories. Some of them made us want to find the author and hug them, several made as laugh, and some brought us closer together. Working on Me Too didn’t feel like work, and even now, I found myself reciting random lines of monologues every now and then.

I want to share a Youtube playlist of the videos. (The one I’m in is towards the end, and it’s called “Convince Me”)

For all Duke readers who will be here next year, apply to be on the 2013 Production Team HERE.

And seniors, you can still submit monologues as alumni.

Enjoy the show!!

You know, sometimes we’re afraid to voice our true aspirations. We’re scared of how other people will react, scared that they’ll push us down and make us feel small for even daring to think that we could be something great.

Sometimes we won’t admit it to anyone, not even ourselves. We’ll relegate ourselves to second place because we convince ourselves that somene got there first, deserves it more, or will do it better.

All that amounts to nothing. It’s weakness, and I try not to be that.

*deep breath*

I WANT MY OWN SHOW.

There… I said it.

I want. My own. Show…

Said it again. Dang, I could get used to this…

I haven’t told a story in a while, so I figured my ‘return-from-the-dead’ post should be it. This is a story every girl should remember, especially if they’re as lovey dovey as I have the tendency to be. 

My first kiss didn’t quite happen the way it was supposed to. Yes, there’s a protocol for the way these sorts of things are suppsed to happen. The memory of a girl’s first kiss is supposed to last a lifetime, she is meant to be swept off her feet, and the kiss should haunt her for days after it’s happened. She’s supposed to want to tell her friends, and yes- look at the giver of that kiss differently from that day forward. Yea, I’m dramatic, but let’s go with it… ok? Right.

So, like I said, my first kiss didn’t appear to be any of these things. I wasn’t in love, it wasn’t at the end of a wonderful date filled with shy advances and ‘longing glances’, it wasn’t my birthday, it was certainly not Valentine’s day, and nope, he definitely didn’t tilt his head or grab my chin.

Well, he did grab something but… I digress. My first kiss was a display of five year-old ‘passion’. See, I had asked Mrs. Mensah’s permission to go to the bathroom, and all I was doing was walking there. The girls’ and boys’ bathrooms were adjacent to each other, much closer than any older kids (read teen) bathrooms would be, but I guess the administration hadn’t really bargained for testosterone to rear its eager head this soon in our young lives. So, I was going along my merry way, hoping to get to the restroom. All of a sudden— and this happened in a flash— all of a sudden, I was pinned against a wall and there was saliva on the area of my face below my nose. The wall pinning and saliva smearing happened simultaneously, just to help with your imagery. For a few seconds I was confused, then I looked to see who my ‘attacker’ was. Let’s call him Stephen Darko. Stephen Darko! What did this mean? What was he trying to tell me? Where did this go from here? I mean, could I still go pee… like nothing had happened, like my life didn’t just change forever?

After much thought and consternation, I had decided. The truth had to be told. I’m not proud of this, and I apologize to Stephen Darko, wherever he is. I went to Mrs. Mensah and shared what had happened. Yes- Stephen had kissed me, and I wasn’t sure what was next. In my defense, I felt bad when I heard Stephen’s five year-old butt getting acquainted with her cane.

Then I went home, my family had to know too. I told my brothers the news. ‘Stephen kissed me.’ (They should know who Stephen is, doesn’t everybody know the people in my class?) I guess I didn’t get as much attention as I hoped, so I lingered around as they asked questions. Yes, Mrs. Mensah had beaten him, no, he was not my ‘boyfriend’, actually, I didn’t know…

My brothers continued their conversation about their own more excitng lives. ‘This girl Nina was a virgin… bla bla.’ I heard a word I didn’t recognize. 

“Virgin? What’s a virgin?” They hesitated. My brother Chris said, “A virgin is a girl who hasn’t done… anything with a boy.”

I quickly saw an opportunity to inject myself into their conversation.
“Then I’m not a virgin! Cos Stephen kissed me!”

… O__o

They had to agree. 

I’m a big girl now!! I’m a big girl now!!!

All people want to talk to me about are things like apartment hunts, and rent, and jobs, and marriage, and degrees and menopause. I kid on the last one… but, boy do I feel old. 

I’m a Senior at Duke University, trying to shape my future, acting like I know what I’m doing until I can effortlessly play the role I want to, or at least make it appear so. This semester is a truly formative one: I’m deciding what I want to do after graduating in May, I’m evaluating the last 22 years of my life… well the last 12 at least. We can give the first ten a pass, I just played with Barbies and learned to spell big words. 

I’ve never really ‘felt grown’ though. Never believed in acting much older than my age, cos I’ve always felt like there was much more time for that. For the first time in my life now though, I feel grown. So many things make me feel this way; the things I think about first of all. Lately, I’ve thought a lot about my life’s purpose… my ultimate goal. And I’ve decided that it will always be to make those around me happy. I realized that in the long term, that’s all that really matters. Do that, and the rest will follow. There’s a difference between this and being a ‘people pleaser.’ This is striving to be more selfless and putting the needs of others over my wants. I know for sure that if my mother bought a new car each time she felt like it, I probably would lack several of the things I grew up with— which she perceived as my needs. I want to be selfless and provide for those around me before myself. This is going to prove very challenging, but that’s because it’s supposed to be. Selfishness is the surest mark of childishness and immaturity. Children just take and take and never give. The point at which you realize that others in fact do exist outside of yourself, is the point where coming of age really begins. The answer to ‘does someone need my help?’ will always be yes anyway; the key is being more conscious. More conscious of the people around us, and always being available to help. More conscious of the people around us that have made sacrifices for us, have never wanted us to feel pain; the people who have gone without so we could have.

I’ve also become more sensitive and decided to embrace it instead of shun it. I’m not ashamed to cry— childish me would boast about going two years without crying, now I know there’s nothing wrong with tears. I get happy and I cry, I count my blessings and I can cry. I don’t cry about everything, but I’m more vulnerable and I’m okay with that.

I care more about the long-term. I keep trying to do what I need to do, not necessarily what I want. I’m learning self-control and discipline. Deciding to take care of myself more, care about my health and not only care about me, care about others and take care of them too. I’m trying not to procrastinate, I’m trying to be kinder, pay more compliments and just be better. 

Soo.. what does it really mean to ‘grow up’? Doesn’t just mean get bigger and wear a bigger size shoe. Don’t sweat the small stuff, see the bigger picture. Question less, appreciate more. Accept the world, don’t expect fairness, take losses and disappointment in your stride; learn that they are inevitable. Take responsibility for your actions, don’t look back, only forward. Create principles for yourself and hold yourself accountable for sticking to them. BE GRATEFUL! Accept yourself and like yourself but don’t be afraid of self-improvement. Forgive people, and don’t be too hard on yourself either. Tell the people you love that you do. KEEP YOUR WORD. Live within your means, save more money. TELL THE TRUTH. 

This post is all over the place, and that’s because I didn’t plan it. It’s clearly not an exhaustive list, but it’s what was on my heart… Hope you’re all enjoying your weekend <3

*steps off soapbox*

Hey y’all.

So don’t say I didn’t warn you.. I flaked on this 30-Day Challenge just like I knew I wouuuld, I told you I was trouble!! you know, I’m noo goood *dance break* and a RIP to my girl Amy on that unrelated note…

I had good reason though. I am recovering from tonsillitis now, and it had me knocked out for about a week. Couldn’t swallow, or talk much and I had a fever and chills. Bad times. I was also having very strange dreams which kinda blurred the lines between reality and the surreal, and I would wake up sweating and feeling like I was having high fever hallucinations… Not a pretty sight. Plus the cuts on the roof of my mouth from God knows where… ugh. Eating was just a chore… impossible a lot of the time. Anyway, I feel better now, my tonsils are still in the back of my throat though, and I can feel them if I swallow really hard, but I’m back at work now and going to try to make up for these NINE days I have missed. I don’t even see how… I’m going to try though… Let me finish what I start for ooonce..  =_=

I’m at my internship (which has been an absolute bore so far, but more on that later probably), and one of the side-effects is that after work I hang out with friends who work close-by, and then I get home and crash. Immediately. I slept at 8.30 on Wednesday night. A G like me.

Anyway, I’ve missed 4 days. (Surprise surprise lol). So I’m about to make them up now… I’m sitting at my desk typing away furiously but it’s actually just tumblr. But it’s not like I’m slacking cos I actually do have nothing to do today… Lawd, I need me a degree… asap. I need to not be part of the furniture anywhere I’m working. Le sigh. So Post 1; Day 9, coming up.