I’m a big girl now!! I’m a big girl now!!!
All people want to talk to me about are things like apartment hunts, and rent, and jobs, and marriage, and degrees and menopause. I kid on the last one… but, boy do I feel old.
I’m a Senior at Duke University, trying to shape my future, acting like I know what I’m doing until I can effortlessly play the role I want to, or at least make it appear so. This semester is a truly formative one: I’m deciding what I want to do after graduating in May, I’m evaluating the last 22 years of my life… well the last 12 at least. We can give the first ten a pass, I just played with Barbies and learned to spell big words.
I’ve never really ‘felt grown’ though. Never believed in acting much older than my age, cos I’ve always felt like there was much more time for that. For the first time in my life now though, I feel grown. So many things make me feel this way; the things I think about first of all. Lately, I’ve thought a lot about my life’s purpose… my ultimate goal. And I’ve decided that it will always be to make those around me happy. I realized that in the long term, that’s all that really matters. Do that, and the rest will follow. There’s a difference between this and being a ‘people pleaser.’ This is striving to be more selfless and putting the needs of others over my wants. I know for sure that if my mother bought a new car each time she felt like it, I probably would lack several of the things I grew up with— which she perceived as my needs. I want to be selfless and provide for those around me before myself. This is going to prove very challenging, but that’s because it’s supposed to be. Selfishness is the surest mark of childishness and immaturity. Children just take and take and never give. The point at which you realize that others in fact do exist outside of yourself, is the point where coming of age really begins. The answer to ‘does someone need my help?’ will always be yes anyway; the key is being more conscious. More conscious of the people around us, and always being available to help. More conscious of the people around us that have made sacrifices for us, have never wanted us to feel pain; the people who have gone without so we could have.
I’ve also become more sensitive and decided to embrace it instead of shun it. I’m not ashamed to cry— childish me would boast about going two years without crying, now I know there’s nothing wrong with tears. I get happy and I cry, I count my blessings and I can cry. I don’t cry about everything, but I’m more vulnerable and I’m okay with that.
I care more about the long-term. I keep trying to do what I need to do, not necessarily what I want. I’m learning self-control and discipline. Deciding to take care of myself more, care about my health and not only care about me, care about others and take care of them too. I’m trying not to procrastinate, I’m trying to be kinder, pay more compliments and just be better.
Soo.. what does it really mean to ‘grow up’? Doesn’t just mean get bigger and wear a bigger size shoe. Don’t sweat the small stuff, see the bigger picture. Question less, appreciate more. Accept the world, don’t expect fairness, take losses and disappointment in your stride; learn that they are inevitable. Take responsibility for your actions, don’t look back, only forward. Create principles for yourself and hold yourself accountable for sticking to them. BE GRATEFUL! Accept yourself and like yourself but don’t be afraid of self-improvement. Forgive people, and don’t be too hard on yourself either. Tell the people you love that you do. KEEP YOUR WORD. Live within your means, save more money. TELL THE TRUTH.
This post is all over the place, and that’s because I didn’t plan it. It’s clearly not an exhaustive list, but it’s what was on my heart… Hope you’re all enjoying your weekend <3
*steps off soapbox*
